“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway