Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.