A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
mood
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”