WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.