Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??