[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I need this for my side hustle.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
just pretend nothing happened
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man