Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
✌🏽
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.