oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Grandmother clock.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God