My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
SCARY COSTUME
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.