Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
another case of gang violins
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem