Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Follow me for more fitness tips.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila