It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like