Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.