If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?