Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?