[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
tinder is all about the long game
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.