Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
You Might Also Like
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.