The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that