I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
🤣could you imagine
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My favorite female superhero
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest