I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!