Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Oceanography is all about current events
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.