[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.