An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
forgive me baja for i have blast