I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.