I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Thoughts
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI