Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…