If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
You Might Also Like
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Not today, today.
Not today.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
79.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
is nasa ok
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.