Overindulged this afternoon.
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.