And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Breaking news:
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down