furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Every house has this drawer
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams