Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro