I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it