Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
bout dat hot dog summer
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.