What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3