me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.