Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
twitter users today:
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.