12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I came this close!!!!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Uh oh…
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”