You Might Also Like
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.