It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?