bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You Might Also Like
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.