Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The USS B port
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“OMGJK” -atheists
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.