When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”