my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work