Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.