Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out