I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.