CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Important reminders
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)