When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
much to think about
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
THIS HEADLINE
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?