I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.