(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.