Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.